It's a phrase many of us grew up hearing, and one that still echoes in playgrounds and homes today: "You get what you get, and you don't get upset." On the surface, it seems like a straightforward lesson in acceptance and resilience. But a recent viral video from an Adelaide mother has sparked a fierce debate, questioning whether this familiar parenting saying actually clashes with the contemporary emphasis on validating children's emotions. When her four-year-old came home from daycare repeating the adage, it ignited a conversation among parents, teachers, and even parenting experts about where to draw the line between gentle parenting and what some might see as permissive parenting. It brings up a crucial point: how do we teach our kids to handle disappointment without inadvertently shaming their feelings?
As someone who has spent years in education, from K-12 classrooms to university dean's offices, I've seen countless shifts in pedagogical approaches and child psychology. This isn't just a semantic argument; it's about the very foundation of emotional regulation and character building. The tension lies in finding that sweet spot where we equip children with coping mechanisms while also acknowledging their inner world. It's a tricky balance, and it's why these common parenting sayings deserve a closer look. Let's dig into some of the most pervasive ones and dissect their impact, both intended and unintended.
1. "You Get What You Get, and You Don't Get Upset": The Core of the Debate
This particular parenting saying is the flashpoint of our current discussion, and for good reason. It’s a catchy rhyme, easy for young children to remember, and it aims to teach acceptance of circumstances beyond their control. Think about a child opening a gift they didn't want, or receiving a snack they didn't choose. The intent is often to foster gratitude, curb entitlement, and teach that life doesn't always go our way. In a world where instant gratification is increasingly common, these lessons are undeniably important. We want our children to be adaptable, to understand that sometimes, the cookie we get isn't the one we specifically requested, and that's okay.
However, the critique, championed by experts like parenting educator Gen Muir, is that while the underlying lesson might be valuable, the phrasing itself can inadvertently invalidate a child's genuine feelings. When a child is told not to get upset, it can send the message that their disappointment, frustration, or sadness is unwarranted or unacceptable. Muir suggests that instead of shutting down the emotion, we can acknowledge it while still holding firm boundaries. For example, a child might be genuinely disappointed by a certain toy. Telling them "you don't get upset" might stop the outward tantrum, but it doesn't teach them how to process that feeling. It simply tells them to suppress it, which, over time, can lead to a host of other emotional challenges. The goal, many argue, should be emotional regulation, not emotional suppression.
2. "Because I Said So": The Authoritarian Shortcut
Ah, the classic trump card. "Because I said so" is perhaps one of the most enduring parenting sayings, a go-to for exasperated parents when explanations have run out or time is short. And let's be honest, we've all been there. There are moments when a swift, unquestionable directive is necessary for safety, immediate compliance, or simply because you're running on fumes and can't articulate a nuanced explanation for the fifth time. In these instances, it serves as a clear, non-negotiable boundary, asserting parental authority in a way that leaves little room for argument.
The problem arises when this phrase becomes the default mode of communication. Consistently relying on "because I said so" can inadvertently teach children that authority is arbitrary, rather than rooted in reason, care, or logic. It can stifle their natural curiosity, discourage critical thinking, and lead to resentment rather than genuine understanding. Children learn best when they understand the 'why' behind rules. While a full dissertation isn't always feasible, offering a brief, age-appropriate explanation – even a simple "It's not safe" or "We need to be on time" – can make a world of difference in fostering cooperation and respect for boundaries, rather than just blind obedience. It’s about teaching them to trust your judgment, not just fear your decree.
3. "Big Boys/Girls Don't Cry": The Emotional Stifler
This is one of those parenting sayings that, despite decades of psychological research, still persists in many households. The intention behind it is usually to encourage resilience, toughness, or to stop a public display of emotion that might feel uncomfortable to the adult. Parents might genuinely believe they are helping their child to be strong, to "suck it up" and face challenges without breaking down. It's often deeply ingrained from their own upbringing, reflecting a cultural belief that crying, especially for boys, is a sign of weakness. (See: CDC resources on children's mental health.)
However, the damage this phrase can inflict is significant. It teaches children that certain emotions, particularly sadness or vulnerability, are unacceptable or shameful. When we tell a child not to cry, we're not eliminating the feeling; we're teaching them to suppress it. This suppression can lead to a host of issues later in life, including difficulty identifying and expressing emotions, increased anxiety, and even physical symptoms of stress. Instead of shaming tears, a more constructive approach is to acknowledge the feeling – "I see you're sad/frustrated/hurt" – and then help them find healthy ways to cope. Crying is a natural human response, a release mechanism, and denying it can be detrimental to emotional well-being. It’s about validating their pain, then helping them move through it, not around it.
4. "Wait 'Til Your Father/Mother Gets Home": The Absent Enforcer
This parenting saying is often uttered in moments of desperation, a last-ditch effort to gain control when a child is misbehaving and the primary caregiver feels overwhelmed. The idea is to invoke a higher authority, creating a deferred consequence that is presumably more severe or effective. It's meant to put the fear of the absent parent into the child, hoping that the threat of future punishment will immediately curb the current undesirable behavior. For many, it's a nostalgic phrase, remembering the sudden chill that would run down their spine upon hearing it. For more context, see AI Childcare Robot and its impact on parenting.
The fundamental flaw here is that it undermines the immediate caregiver's authority and delays consequences. By deferring punishment, the child doesn't connect their present action with the future consequence, especially younger children who live very much in the moment. It also positions the absent parent as the "bad cop," which can create an imbalanced dynamic and potentially foster resentment. Furthermore, it teaches children that the immediate parent is powerless, and their authority can be ignored until the other parent arrives. Effective discipline is immediate, consistent, and delivered by the person present. When consequences are tied directly to the action, children learn cause and effect much more effectively. It’s about owning your parental power in the moment, rather than borrowing it.
5. "Stop Crying, Or I'll Give You Something to Cry About": The Threatening Dismissal
This is one of the more aggressive parenting sayings on our list, born out of frustration and a misguided attempt to quash a child's emotions through intimidation. It's a statement that implies that the child's current distress is trivial, and that the parent is capable of inflicting greater pain or discomfort if the crying doesn't cease. While it might sometimes achieve immediate silence through fear, the long-term repercussions are far more damaging than any temporary peace it might bring.
Such a threat teaches children that their feelings are not only invalid but also dangerous to express. It can foster fear, anxiety, and a deep-seated distrust of the parent. Children learn to hide their emotions, not to manage them. This approach can severely damage the parent-child bond, making a child less likely to confide in their parent about problems or feelings, fearing further punishment or dismissal. Instead of creating a safe space for emotional expression, it creates an environment of emotional suppression and potential trauma. A truly effective parenting approach involves empathy and guidance, not threats and intimidation. We want our children to feel safe expressing their vulnerability, not terrified of it.
6. "You're So Smart/Good/Talented": The Pitfalls of Over-Praise
At first glance, this might seem like a positive parenting saying, a way to build a child's self-esteem. And indeed, positive reinforcement is crucial for development. We want our children to feel capable and valued. However, research, particularly from psychologists like Carol Dweck on growth mindset, has shown that praising fixed traits like "smart" or "good" can actually be counterproductive. When children are constantly told they are smart, they might become afraid to take on challenges where they might fail, fearing it will reveal they aren't as smart as everyone believes.
The problem lies in the focus. Praising effort, strategy, and perseverance is far more beneficial than praising innate ability. Instead of "You're so smart!" when they solve a puzzle, try "Wow, you really worked hard on that puzzle, and you tried different ways to fit the pieces!" This shifts the focus from an unchangeable trait to the process and effort, teaching children that their abilities can grow through dedication and hard work. It fosters a growth mindset, where challenges are seen as opportunities for learning rather than threats to their self-worth. This isn't about withholding praise; it's about making it more meaningful and effective for long-term development. The right kind of praise cultivates resilience and a love for learning.
7. "Money Doesn't Grow on Trees": A Lesson in Disguise
This ubiquitous parenting saying is almost a rite of passage for parents attempting to instill financial literacy and an understanding of value in their children. It's often used when a child makes an extravagant request, or when they're not appreciating the cost of things. The intention is to teach them about the finite nature of resources, the effort required to earn money, and the importance of making wise choices. In a consumer-driven society, these are incredibly important lessons for young people to grasp. (See: NIH on parenting and child development.)
While the core message is sound, its delivery often falls short. Simply stating that "money doesn't grow on trees" can sound dismissive or abstract to a child who doesn't yet understand economics. For younger children, it might just feel like a rejection. For older kids, it can sometimes foster an unhealthy anxiety about money or a sense of scarcity. A more effective approach is to pair the saying with concrete examples or discussions. For instance, explaining *how* money is earned, *how* family budgets work, or involving children in decisions about spending and saving. Instead of just stating the fact, we can elaborate on the journey of money and the value of hard work, making it a teachable moment rather than a curt dismissal. This way, it becomes a foundation for financial literacy, not just a frustrating barrier.
8. "Because I Said So, That's Why!": When Exhaustion Takes Over
We already touched on "Because I Said So," but this variation, often delivered with a heavy sigh and a raised voice, deserves its own moment. It's the parenting saying that emerges when patience has worn thin, when the parent has repeated themselves ad nauseam, and when the logical arguments have seemingly fallen on deaf ears. This isn't just about asserting authority; it's often a desperate plea for compliance born out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. It's the parent's white flag, signifying that the well of explanations has run dry. For more context, see Viral video on parenting debates.
While understandable in the heat of the moment, the impact remains similar to its less emphatic cousin. It signals to the child that the parent is at their wit's end, and that reasoning is no longer on the table. Repeated use can erode communication and trust, and it models a less-than-ideal way of handling frustration. For the parent, it can also be a sign to step back and re-evaluate their own emotional regulation strategies. Sometimes, taking a brief pause, even just 60 seconds, can help both parent and child reset. It's a reminder that while we can't always be perfect, recognizing when we're defaulting to these types of phrases due to stress can be the first step towards more constructive interactions. We're all human, and sometimes the best thing we can do is acknowledge our own limits and try again.
9. Striking the Balance: Validation vs. Permissiveness in Parenting Sayings
The core of the Adelaide mother's viral video and the subsequent debate isn't about whether children should always get what they want; it's about how we, as parents, navigate the delicate balance between setting firm boundaries and validating our children's emotional experiences. The shift towards "gentle parenting" has brought much-needed attention to children's inner worlds, encouraging empathy and understanding. However, as Gen Muir rightly points out, kindness and firm limits are not mutually exclusive. We can absolutely acknowledge a child's disappointment without giving in to their demands or allowing them to dictate the rules.
For instance, instead of "You get what you get, and you don't get upset," one might say, "I see you're really disappointed that you didn't get the blue cup. It's okay to feel sad about that. This is the cup we have today, and we can try for the blue one next time." This approach validates the emotion – "I see you're really disappointed" – while still maintaining the boundary – "This is the cup we have today." It teaches children that their feelings are valid and worth expressing, but that those feelings don't necessarily change the rules or outcomes. It's a crucial distinction between emotional validation and simply caving to every whim. The goal isn't to prevent children from feeling negative emotions; it's to equip them with the tools to process those emotions in a healthy, constructive way while still respecting the realities and boundaries of life.
10. The Evolving Landscape of Child Psychology and Parenting
It's important to remember that parenting advice isn't static. It evolves as our understanding of child development deepens. Decades ago, the focus was often on strict obedience and immediate compliance, sometimes at the expense of a child's emotional landscape. Today, thanks to advances in neuroscience and psychology, we know more about how children's brains develop, how trauma affects them, and the critical role of emotional intelligence in overall well-being. Researchers like Dr. Daniel Siegel, with his work on interpersonal neurobiology, have highlighted how a parent's ability to "see" and respond to a child's internal state directly impacts their brain development and capacity for emotional regulation. This means that old parenting sayings, while often well-intentioned, might not align with our current best practices for raising emotionally resilient kids. It’s not about judging past generations, but about leveraging new knowledge to do better for the next one.
The shift towards gentle parenting, or conscious parenting, isn't about being "soft" or avoiding discipline. It's about being intentional. It encourages parents to reflect on their own triggers, understand the root cause of a child's behavior, and respond in a way that fosters connection and learning rather than just suppressing symptoms. For example, a child having a tantrum isn't just "being difficult"; they might be overwhelmed, tired, or unable to articulate a need. A parent who understands this is better equipped to help the child name their feelings and find a constructive outlet, rather than resorting to a dismissive phrase. For more context, see Head Start and its effects on children's emotional development.
11. Cultural Context and Parenting Sayings: A Global Perspective
It’s also fascinating to consider how parenting sayings vary across cultures, and what those variations tell us about societal values. While some phrases like "because I said so" have equivalents in many languages, others are uniquely tied to specific cultural norms. For instance, in some collectivist cultures, parenting sayings might emphasize harmony, respect for elders, and the importance of the group over individual desires. Phrases might focus on humility or the idea that "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down," encouraging conformity and discouraging overt displays of individuality or strong emotion that could disrupt the group dynamic.
Conversely, in more individualistic cultures, you might find sayings that encourage self-reliance, ambition, and personal achievement. However, even within these cultural frameworks, the underlying tension between discipline and emotional validation persists. The debate around "You get what you get, and you don't get upset" isn't just an Adelaide phenomenon; it’s a global conversation reflecting a broader re-evaluation of how we prepare children for a complex world. Understanding these cultural nuances can offer us a wider lens through which to examine our own ingrained parenting phrases and consider their broader implications.
12. The Power of Repair: When We Slip Up with Parenting Sayings
Let's be real: no parent is perfect. In moments of stress, exhaustion, or frustration, we might find ourselves defaulting to one of these problematic parenting sayings, even if we know better. The important thing isn't to never make a mistake, but to know how to repair the situation. Repairing a relational rupture is a critical skill, one that teaches children about accountability, forgiveness, and the strength of the parent-child bond.
If you catch yourself saying something like "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about," and you immediately regret it, you can circle back. Later, when things are calm, you might say, "Hey, remember earlier when I said 'Stop crying'? That wasn't fair of me. I was feeling really stressed, and I shouldn't have said that. It's okay to feel sad, and I'm sorry if I made you feel like your feelings weren't important." This kind of apology and explanation doesn't erase the initial utterance, but it models humility, empathy, and shows your child that even adults make mistakes and can learn from them. It reinforces that their feelings are valid and that your love for them is unconditional, even when you mess up. It's a powerful lesson in emotional intelligence for both parent and child.
As educators and parents, we have a profound responsibility to choose our words carefully. These seemingly innocuous parenting sayings become the internal scripts our children carry with them into adulthood. By being mindful of the messages we send – not just through our actions, but through our everyday language – we can foster emotionally intelligent, resilient, and well-adjusted individuals. It's a journey, not a destination, and sometimes, it starts with simply re-thinking the rhymes we learned as kids.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What does 'You get what you get, and you don't get upset' mean?
'You get what you get, and you don't get upset' is a parenting saying aimed at teaching children acceptance of circumstances they cannot control. It encourages resilience and gratitude, but has sparked debate about whether it also dismisses children's emotions.
Is it harmful to tell children to accept what they get?
Telling children to accept what they get can be harmful if it invalidates their feelings. While it teaches resilience, it’s essential to balance acceptance with emotional validation to help children navigate their feelings of disappointment without shame.
How can parents validate children's emotions?
Parents can validate children's emotions by actively listening, acknowledging their feelings, and encouraging open discussions about disappointment. This helps children feel understood while also teaching them coping mechanisms for handling life's challenges.
What are the implications of permissive parenting?
Permissive parenting can lead to a lack of boundaries and difficulties in emotional regulation. While it may promote openness, it risks creating entitlement if children are not guided to understand the importance of acceptance and resilience.
How can we teach children resilience without shaming their feelings?
To teach resilience without shaming feelings, parents should validate children's emotions first, then guide them in coping strategies. This approach allows children to express their feelings while also learning to adapt to situations beyond their control.
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